Shame - Part One - In Desire

When I lived in South Africa, the cool kids taught me, "shame" to be used as a way to say, "Oh man, I'm sorry!" or "That's too bad!". This "shame", is more of a light consolation for something not-so-nice happening.

Then there is the icky shame. The kind that sticks to you like bugs on a really hot day, or like Spider-Man turning into Venom. No matter what you do, you just cannot shake it.

Shame in Desire

I remember, being in my late teens, as a fresh and green missionary, commenting on how great it was that this lady was getting married. She had been working in this foreign country for quite a long time and went home (to the states) to get married. She might have been around my age at the time, which of course, I thought was really old. I thought, "Oh, people sometimes stay single for a long time and get married later in life." I had a feeling this might be me one day, so I was excited for her and I was encouraged by this. The elder missionary made a comment of concern, something to the effect of being disappointed that she was leaving her calling, just to..."get married."

This overwhelming feeling of guilt swept over me and planted something in me that said, "marriage should never come before anything I do for the Lord." I never left room for marriage to become something I do for God and that my husband and I could serve God together. I made marriage the enemy and little did I realize, desire right with it. I'm not placing blame on this person, that was their opinion and their perspective.

But, I was young and didn't know any better. I clung on to ideas from people around me and let guilt and shame invade spaces of my heart without checking the validity of these ideas with my Father first. The clinging started to look like my own thoughts and pretty soon, I couldn't decipher what was truly my desire versus what others thought I should do with my life.

I shoved my desire to get married so deep down, that I started to become more and more fragmented as a person. Trying so hard to compartmentalize my life in ways that made sense to me and that were easy for me to compartmentalize. The aches and longings of the heart are so much harder to sort out, so I just left it out completely.

I was so afraid of all the ugly parts of marriage, that I dismissed it completely. I was also living in rejection and humiliation and decided that I could never be good enough for anyone. The God-given needs and desires of Tiffany as a whole-being were not allowed room to breathe or allowed representation as sacred and holy. I didn't allow myself to believe it was okay to want to get married. And that it was okay to want marriage and hold onto this desire even if I got old hoping and waiting for it.

My shame in my desires for marriage and children were compounded by comments from well-meaning spiritual authority figures, acquaintances and friends along the way who would say things like:

"Maybe you just have the gift of singleness"

"I see you as a mama taking care of African kids"

"You remind me of this other lady I know that was single into her forties and finally just decided to adopt on her own. Maybe you should just think about it and prepare yourself."

"At your age, your chances are getting slim"

"Maybe you missed him somewhere?"

"You need to just focus on God"

"There's plenty of orphans out there that need a mom"

"Are you willing to try IVF?"

"You'd be a great foster mom"

There isn't anything wrong with some of these things. But, that is not my truest heart's desire. What is so wrong with me wanting to get married and have kids? Why can't I stay true to my desire without someone trying to shame me out of it? And worse, I shame myself out of it.

Someone else's lack of faith might make us try and reject what is a part of our hearts. But, I think that God wants us to stay true to what the desires of our hearts are, even if others are not able to have faith and hope for us and with us.

It's easy to dismiss someone else's desire. We can, with our words, chip away at hope. We can try and convince someone to think elsewise, so that they will not be disappointed. We might let our own pain, our own jadedness get in the way of praying with them, believing with them, hoping with them.

We ultimately don't see validity in their desires and use shame as a way to get them to "move on with their lives."

This may not be intentional, but it might be when we tell a friend to adopt, who is having a hard time having a baby or having miscarriages. It could be when someone wants to start a ministry and we tell them that obviously if it's hard it's not from God. Which, does God only work in easy ways? It could be someone who wants to start their own business and we say its just easier to work a regular 9 to 5. It's in all the little ways we cannot stand with each other, and we are prone to hastily speak what the easiest route is.

Whether people have been trying to protect me along the way, or wanted me to accept what they feel will never happen, I let these statements dictate my life and my desire.

God can work good in ALL things, ALL of the time. I just needed validation for what I really wanted. I know that I'd be a great mom on my own. I know there are a million orphans who might need me to help raise them. I know I can do a lot of things on my own.

What is wrong with me drawing from the purest part of me and standing by my desire for a partner to do all these things with? What I need and what has been the hardest thing for me to do, is to live out of desire that is the harder route, where all may be against me. Age, lack of prospect, hang-ups.

God works in the hard things, and if you need someone to believe with all the odds against you too - I'm here.