Shame - Part Two - In Loneliness

Shame in Loneliness

This shame comes from the nagging feeling that there is something wrong with me, because I am alone.

And the shame I feel for being alone and fear of saying, "I am lonely".

When someone says they are lonely, there is a sudden tension in the friends and family nearby.

They are suddenly swept up in a panicked state that tells them they must do something about this lonely friend!

Invite them to all the BBQs! Tell them about their other single friends! Try to hangout with them as much as possible! Wonder if they are suicidal and give them a hotline number! Worry about their mental state and ask them if they need to talk to someone! Make sure they are never alone, ever again!

I know, because I am the panic-stricken friend. I worry when people tell me they are lonely, and am perpetually concerned for their mental and emotional welfare. So, of course this deters me from telling others that I am also, lonely.

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In the first matter of shame in loneliness, it is this feeling that people are judging me because I am single. It's the shame of feeling like there is something wrong with me, why does no one love me, no one chooses me, I don't know how to be in a relationship, I'm the weird and awkward one at the BBQ that has no dog, no husband, no kids. I brought store-bought potato salad. Total weirdo.

It is brought on by others saying, "Why are you still single?" I've asked this question too, many times of others, and meant it out of genuine curiosity. I think it can be that or it can be the underlying, "What is wrong with you?". So, let's be generous with our assumptions here and say it is out of genuine curiosity, so defenses can stay down. For now.

However, I cannot blame this shame of my singleness ALL on other's innocent curiosity. It is definitely rooted in my fiercest enemy: "the never good enough" gremlin. Not this cute one:

This one:

Without anyone ever saying a word to me, this gremlin latches onto me and makes me feel all the weight of my unworthiness to be a part of the world in any meaningful way.

I don't have value because I don't have a family. Families are valued. Churches LOVE couples, they LOVE children. They force some good hearted person on the leadership team to host a singles event once in awhile. Hurry and play your games, hurry and eat, and get a life. I.E. get married! I.E. get some value!

Whole departments are lent to couples, babies, middle-schoolers, teens, high-schoolers, college kids (fast forward and full-circle) couples, babies, middle-schoolers, teens, high-schoolers, college kids....you get the point.

Life is supposed to be full-circle as indicated above. There is no room for, the awkward and lonely and too old to still be single.

So, I feel that there is no room for me. Awkward, lonely, inching into mid and late thirties, me.

Golly, it would be really nice to have a physical Jesus around right about now. We could go everywhere together, it would be so nice. I feel a song coming on. But, all that people see, is the lonely me.

And I have a hard time mustering courage when I really need it. Like, meeting new people, and going places I've never been before because I have no safety blanket, no comfort of a physical person having my back and adding to the conversation, smiling and telling me it's okay and we're doing this together.

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In the second matter of shame in loneliness, it is the fear of vulnerability as it may lend to people thinking I'm depressed and suicidal. If I tell people I am lonely, they may fear for my life and try to fix it (as in the first example up top with all the scared people).

But, guess what? I want to fix it too! I don't want to feel lonely either! It's okay to worry about our friends and see what we can do, because we are human and we don't like for people to be uncomfortable, to be in pain, to have icky feelings like loneliness. It's okay to want to help each other, because we are good people and we want to soothe other's aches.

Some will remind us of our not so loneliness because we have the Trinity within us, some will encourage us that maybe someone will come along the way, some will remind us to stay busy, some will encourage a hobby or volunteering. I like all these things. I am doing them and they are good for my soul. There's nothing wrong with some comforting encouragement.

If anything, I just need to breathing room to speak it out loud! And I want others to hear too, that it's okay to feel lonely. It's our innate human design to feel this desire for another, move towards another and hope for connection. God designed this! He designed friendship, community, and romantic relationship. So that we can live in unity, move forward in the world together, build together, and procreate. He designed us this way! And there is nothing wrong with his designing skills. Everything he does is good, so these desires we have? They are good. As we steward them well with his help, they will lead to fruitfulness.

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It is hard to bring closure to this one, for I fear that my words will never soothe the aching, lonely heart.

But, I will leave you with this:

"...But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it." 1 Corinthians 12:24 to 26

Carry on with your concern for the lonely, as to what God deems appropriate for you, as to what is your burden and portion. Carry on with your blessings and encouragements, and turning focus to God and his sovereignty. Carry on with the invitations to BBQs and be a match maker to your friends. Carry on with concern for one another, in suffering, in honor, and in rejoicing. Turn a compassionate eye towards those around you who are alone, maybe awkward, too old to still be single, aching for the physical Jesus, aching for the safety blanket of a friend, aching for the ache to ache no more. Turn to the lonely, maybe for a moment, the ache will find relief if only for a little while.