The Widow and I

For at least a decade of my adult life, I was afraid to speak out my desire for marriage. Because once you speak something out, you have to believe it will come to be. You have to believe that which you believe for. And as I described, as experience presented to me, my faith was quite wobbly. I made the excuse that I was independent, I was a missionary, no one will ever want me, I was fine, I didn't need, I didn't want, and so on and so forth. Remember those protective factors? It looks like that.

Where your mouth is speaking what your heart is not planted in.

I was adamant about only believing the black and white promises of the New Testament and was not able to receive any particular blessing not directed toward me. There is nothing in God's word that would lead me to see that EVERYONE will find a helpmate, so I rejected it as for me. Everyone has access to God, is offered salvation, Holy Spirit, eternity in heaven. NO WHERE do I read, "And everyone gets their good godly fruitful marriage and the fruit of which, children."

But along the years, I have decided to glean from places of blessing and promise that are not essentially "mine". Because, why else present us with people's stories and testimonies if we are not to see other's faith, perseverance, challenges, and victories? Aren't these stories and parables for us to learn and take ahold of something and trust in someone that can do what we cannot do for ourselves?

I think of the widow who exhausted the not-so-man-or-God-fearing judge.

"Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: "In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary.'

"For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I do not fear God or care about men, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she will not eventually wear me out with her coming!'"

And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"

— Luke 18:1-8, New International Version

Jesus scolds me twice here. Will he keep putting me off? And will he find faith? You may not see singleness as an injustice, but injustice causes suffering and that is what I am experiencing now in my life. Let's take care not to judge another one's pain.

So, I ask you:

What is your injustice today?

Do you feel as the widow, maybe five weeks, maybe ten years in, with the soles of your feet worn thin, knuckles raw from the knocking, voice strained from your asking?

Hope is but a glimmer, desires shelved, pushed down, ignored?

Are you like me, afraid to ask for fear of disappointment or if you do - you give up quickly as to not heap on more pain and loss?

There is no shame in your hesitation or mine, but I no longer want to stay complacent in desire.

Jesus himself tells us to "not give up."

I will glean from the Hannah and Elizabeth and Rachel's of the bible who came to God with longings for fruitfulness. I will stand by my God given desire for marriage and children. I will stand by you dear friends who may be in the same place as me, waiting with longing for a miracle in your life.

In what areas of your life, have you given up on? Where has rejection, humiliation, pain, loss, grief, taken the place of desire?

Maybe, you need some support to continue in your pursuit? Drop me a line, I can be in your corner. We can haul our weary selves right back to the righteous judge until we "get justice, and quickly."