Recent Musings on Singleness

In the past several months, I have had the honor and blessed experiences of going to Disney World, wrapping up things at school, spending time with my dear mom, celebrating my 34th birthday, being the maid of honor in a wedding, and reading to my heart's content. The resounding theme in all of it, is that I do it all alone. Of course, not alone in the sense that people are around me, but there isn't that one someone WITH me.

I love spending time with my family, but it generally revolves around my family and THEIR families, which is their husbands and kids. I take vacations with my sister and HER family, I love spending time with them and hanging out with the nephews but the vacation is with HER immediate family and...me. Which I have been doing for about, oh, the twenty years they have been married. Having a partner that supports me financially would be nice as many of the things I do and am apart of I pay for by myself. So this one income gets stretched quite a bit when vacationing, bills, and the whole of life's expenses.

I go to events by myself, again I am usually with friends and family but I am still the lone ranger to many events. I feel this the most when going to church, because for the most part I am always surrounded by couples and families. My friends encourage me to try and make friends at church, which we all know is quite the feat as you get older. So, I digress. Making my Sunday lunch by myself, for myself. I head out to errands, by myself. Groceries, house stuff, etc. Self.

I had a breakdown moment at Disney World where I felt so overwhelmed by the happy families, couples and their children I started to break down a bit. Trying not to show teary eyes to the family I put my shades on and prayed for peace and calm of emotions so that I could enjoy my time without this persistent cloud of the overwhelming aloneness. My point here, even with family who I love and loves me and in a sea of happy Disney goers, the depth of my pain in loneliness pervades and I am always left with the matter of fact "you are alone".

I asked my friends recently when a good time to give up on marriage is. Their answer, "never". As I was walking yesterday, I lamented to the Lord, "How much time do you really want me to spend on this part of my life? How much energy praying for this obscure figment of my imagination "husband" who is out there but is he really out there? How much money invested into dating apps, books on dating, self-help and otherwise all centered on making me a better person, hoping my reward for all this working on myself is a husband? How much brain time on thinking about a future with someone versus accepting my reality of singleness and moving forward as though marriage were not going to happen? What is the best way Lord, show me the way"...Crickets...I think like you, I want the answers (this is my nature my friends). I've tried to beat it out of myself, I try long time sitting in silence, I try so hard to NOT THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE. And then I make a blog so others can worry with me.

Hannah Whitall Smith says, "The greatest burden we have to carry in life is self; the most difficult thing we have to manage is self...In laying off your burdens, therefore, the first one you must get rid of is yourself." (p. 35, The Christian's Secret).

I wish dear Hannah, I knew how to do this. Dear Lord, please help me to.

All in all, the person God loves...is me, my...self. My lonely, kicking rocks self. He pays attention, He helps me with my bills, He eats sad Sunday lunch with me, He goes to events with me, He grocery shops with me. I still want a physical being to do these things with, but it helps to remember, I'm not completely by...my...self.